Self Masturbatory revised black out

took an old piece of work and blacked it out in word. because apparently I have a huge writing boner for black out poetry. 

Sad nights on my computer listening to Robert Smith's voice

since I was 13 have always seemed relevant.

feeling this heavy happened once before in high school, then again last week.

Fuck I felt so heavy today walking home.
Like every step I took the ground behind me crumbled and a little bit of myself inside sunk into my boots.

And this all sounds very poetic and shitty and cliche, but it's how I felt.

I walked up the hill though, and it's like the metaphor of going uphill and triumphing became real, so I went and bought milk and a cross-word scratch ticket (it's the little victories in life, like not going straight home to lie on your floor until someone comes home and asks what your doing and you can't explain it aside from "I felt heavy and I didn't want to use my legs anymore so I thought I'd lie here") and came home.

Then I was heavy again, and I ate a bunch of things then fell asleep on the couch for 4 hours.

Now I can't sleep, and I just want to download this fucking app that plays wave noises and has calming meditative walk throughs so that I stop thinking about today and tomorrow and every other day in my life and just go to sleep so that I don't fall asleep in class tomorrow.

this is shitty, this is all shitty. But I was going to write something like this last week and I didn't and it has been bugging me ever since. but writing shit like this makes me feel like a tool. And maybe I'm a bit glad that I'm pretty sure all these pageviews are just spam bots or flukes.



...I just went back and looked at the entry when I wanted to write this before. It was 2 weeks ago not last week. Nothing has changed in two weeks. goddammit.

"I eat carrots like corn on the cob"

I used to eat bananas like that [corn on the cob style] because once I was watching a Jack Hanna video as a kid and he was feeding a parrot a banana and it ate it that way. I thought it was so freaking cool so for 6 months I would eat bananas "parrot style".





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The title quote is from Tash King a beautiful, creative, inspirational soul who (despite only seeing in person twice) has helped me realize so many things. (that's enough of my loser gushing. I always gush.) 

I'm so much more eloquent when sad

Crying in public always leaves me in this surreal state.
I was in a very odd place yesterday afternoon (I cried in class). Crying in public you're surrounded by people, who you know all know that you're crying, but what can they do about it?

I felt so separated from everything after I had started to calm down.
I was drained; exhausted. I started to think about how alone I felt as I walked home. I didn't know why I had started to cry, it was from somewhere between confusion, frustration and embarrassment.
I started to think about how selfish crying is, the first time we cry it is because we can't communicate in any other way, we can't show our own needs. So how come as an adult I still can't seem to do that? What is it that made me so incapable of expressing my need that I started to cry.

This is all just garble, it was all much more eloquent in my cynical, melancholic mind yesterday afternoon.